In turn, they are indirectly taught that their needs are important and that people, in general, can be trusted. Attachment styles in relationships were initially introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. He studied children from different families and their interactions with their caregivers. Following his research, therapists now know that the attachment styles formed in childhood sometimes extend to adult relationships as well, although they’re not set in stone. Seeking professional help can be a powerful step toward healing and can be helpful with a variety of mental health conditions that can be concurrent with an insecure attachment style. With the right support, you can continue making progress and building more secure, fulfilling connections.
The journey from anxious to secure attachment is one of the most worthwhile investments you can make in yourself. Every small step—every time you self-soothe instead of seeking reassurance, every time you challenge an anxious thought, every time you practice independence—is rewiring your brain and heart for healthier love. For example, if you are in a relationship and feel that your anxious attachment style is causing problems like distrust, paranoia, and insecurity, consider going to couple’s therapy with your partner. An anxious attachment style can strongly impact a person’s relationships regardless of their partner’s actions. The signs of an anxious attachment style change as people move from childhood to adulthood. Learning to recognize and manage emotions creates a strong foundation for healthier relationships.
Ways a person can do this are by acknowledging the pain of the experience and updating it with something positive. Updating the old ways of thinking for new ways of thinking, one that centers around positive emotions, can help overcome an insecure attachment. Schrage, K. M., Impett, E. A., Topal, M. A., Harasymchuk, C., & Muise, A. Tailoring shared relationship experiences to insecurely attached partners.
By reparenting with care instead of reacting from fear, you can have a constructive conversation and address the situation calmly. Keep a running list of personal accomplishments – big or small—and review it whenever you feel inadequate. Take time to think about how you feel in a moment and what thoughts come up. Be aware of these thoughts and the meaning that is given to these thoughts. She tells you that you are her ‘best friend in the whole world.’ As a result, you choose to spend most of your free time with your mother and feel guilty for spending time with others. They may replace the actual love and affection of their child with using the child to feed their own needs.
People with anxious styles tend to be very caring, empathetic partners who desire closeness and intimacy. Their heightened sensitivity helps them tune into others’ feelings and needs. In romantic relationships, anxious attachment can be triggered by the actions or perceived actions of a partner. Low self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships are common signs of this attachment style. This replacement thought might sound like, I let them see what I felt in the past and they’re still here. Challenging our thoughts and beliefs can help self-soothe the anxious attachment style by focusing on the reality of your relationship instead of immediately catastrophizing.
If you can catch yourself in the act and recognize that your partner sees this as pulling away, use it as a cue to open up, even just a little, about what you’re feeling. This small step can help your partner feel more connected and may reduce the anxious need to pursue you when you withdraw. The intentions behind these patterns are usually positive, Cromer says. Both partners are trying to express love, but they may be communicating in ways the other doesn’t understand. Some people don’t fit neatly into one attachment style and may display traits from different styles depending on the situation, says Dana McNeil, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist. While some relationship dynamics are legitimately problematic, take ownership of your attachment patterns rather than making them your partner’s responsibility.
While being helpful is a wonderful trait, if you are constantly overextending yourself, it can leave you feeling emotionally drained and perpetually anxious and stressed. Thus, healing an anxious attachment style requires you to work on the relationship you have with yourself. Your sense of self-worth should be independent of other people and how they feel or behave towards you. When caregivers are unpredictable or anxious, children constantly monitor their closeness and behavior, preventing them from feeling safe to explore the world. Forming relationships with others who have a secure attachment style can help a person to see that it is important both needs are met for both partners.
How Professional Support Can Help Rewire Attachment Patterns
- Individuals with disorganized attachment often experience confusion and ambivalence about intimacy, oscillating between the desire for closeness and the fear of it.
- The next step in fixing anxious attachment is to develop self-awareness and emotional regulation.
- Instead of reacting right away, pause and try to identify the trigger.
- Every small step—every time you self-soothe instead of seeking reassurance, every time you challenge an anxious thought, every time you practice independence—is rewiring your brain and heart for healthier love.
Anxious attachment creates cognitive distortions—unhelpful thinking patterns that fuel anxiety. One of the biggest challenges with anxious attachment is difficulty regulating emotions without external reassurance. Without intervention, this pattern can intensify, especially under stress, making both partners feel increasingly insecure and disconnected. Relationship experts Amir Levine and Rachel Heller call this cycle the “anxious–avoidant trap,” because couples often remain stuck in this painful pattern, sometimes for months or even years. This withdrawal confirms the anxious partner’s fears of rejection, causing them to pursue even more strongly.
Parents who are inconsistent, multi-tasking, distracted and missatuned can contribute to anxious attachment. Intrusive and role-reversing parenting, where the child becomes the caregiver or the child has little or no psychological safety can also lead to anxious preoccupied attachment. Children in these dynamics often learn to overcompensate to earn affection. You cannot control other people and what they say or do, but you can control how you manage your feelings and behaviors.
Physical activities like yoga, running, or dance classes connect people with their bodies and create a sense of empowerment. Starting with small decisions builds confidence in making choices without asking for approval. Don’t forget to take a look at our attachment diaries and personalized & group intensive retreats. The child grows up believing that their needs are only important to others when it’s convenient.
Overcoming The Anxious Attachment Style
So, they act hypervigilant towards any threats to their relationships – regardless of whether these threats are real or perceived. When triggered, someone may attempt to self soothe the anxious attachment style by engaging in protest behaviors like emotional outbursts, acting Amoredate clingy/needy, or becoming intensely angry towards their partner. Disorganized attachment, a pattern characterized by inconsistency and unpredictability in relationships, can also impact romantic partnerships.
A major factor in how we grew up is how secure we felt as children and how our caregivers responded when we needed reassurance. Most importantly, you deserve to feel secure within yourself, regardless of your relationship status. While you can heal your attachment style in any relationship, having a secure partner accelerates the process dramatically. This might seem counterintuitive, but anxiously attached individuals often struggle with boundaries in both directions.
Let them know you need a few minutes to check in with yourself, then come back to the conversation when you can engage from a clearer, calmer place. But again direct communication rarely takes place, and the anxious rarely says “I’m sorry” and never articulates the real reasons for their bad behavior. From the outside, they can seem neurotic, and wild and, often, resemble borderline personality disorder, with which sometimes they can overlap. Anxious tend to be more afraid their partner will not return their love. So make sure you don’t jump on the first available person just because, well… They’re there.